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04 December 2006 @ 13:59
In the wake of the latest sockpuppet wank, of which I am actually only peripherally aware having not been actively involved in SV fandom for years, I have come to a realisation.

Fannish love, while wonderful, can totally fuck you up. I mean that. Do not chase The Big Fannish Love, for it is unwise. Cos what inevitably happens with folks with low self-esteem (like, say, ME) is that you worry that you are only liked for what you contribute--and only liked when you are actively contributing and producing. And you become convinced that no-one will like you anymore, if you're not creating something for them to consume. And your sense of self-worth becomes hopelessly tied up in your ability to produce product, and how it is received, rather than, you know... being mebbe liked for just being who you are. Not What You Do For The Fandom.

So in short: kudos for vids/websites/fanfic/meta are lovely, but don't measure your worth as a person solely by how your work is received. Cos it will fuck you up. I'm just saying.

ETA: this not an appeal for OMG LOVE. It's more a note to myself, more than anyone else, that it's not healthy to invest your self-worth in something as fickle and untrustworthy as fannish popularity.
Maybe I'm the plucky comic relief...?: JC - Gallery Logoagentxpndble on 4th December 2006 20:28 (UTC)

PS, you rock. ;-)
ljc: girl!doctor (chocolate)taraljc on 4th December 2006 21:01 (UTC)
It's just I'm reaising more and more than my self-esteem issues are SO not helped by fandom, at times. And weirdly, it's the exact opposite of where I was 20 years ago, when fandom helped build up my low self-esteem and repair some of the massive damage from a very lonely childhood. Now I'm turle-ing even further into my shell and even LESS sure of myself, and it's not of the good.
Maybe I'm the plucky comic relief...?: Fanfic - Mary Sues Gone WILD!agentxpndble on 4th December 2006 22:44 (UTC)
I get stuck in cycles. I always start out doing things for myself, but then people start paying attention to me and I start feeding off that and it starts snowballing until suddenly I find myself pouting because no one is paying enough attention to me and I can't keep up the pace of being the latest greatest thing since sliced bread. And I have an awfully hard time stepping back from it all and coming back to a sane, healthy place. :-(
Meghatron: Teenie!Fandommeghatron on 4th December 2006 20:29 (UTC)
Having met you in person, I think you're rather delightful and I would be happy to hang with you online or in real life, reagardless of what you produce for the rest of time.
ljc: cute and fluffytaraljc on 4th December 2006 21:05 (UTC)
*hugs you tight*

Speaking of IRL interaction, I am trying to figure out Gally in Feb. But if/when, I would be in your neck of the woods...
Meghatron: Doctor Whomeghatron on 4th December 2006 21:14 (UTC)
I'm definitely going to be there and hopefully will have fairyglass in tow, but our husbands are working OrcCon the same weekend at the Westin down the street (hers just published his first RPG) so we'll be splitting our time. But we're staying at the Hilton, which is next door to the Marriott. :D
ljc: JackDav (still cuter than u)taraljc on 4th December 2006 21:43 (UTC)
yays! I still need to find money for my air ticket, and line up roommates... But I'll email you when I have details.
cornfields: iconzicons: jane o_Ocornfields on 4th December 2006 22:27 (UTC)
Oh, man. WORD. Fandom's totally like high school as far as I'm concerned, and high school fucked me right up. *steers clear*

You don't have to go into details, but which fandom has found themselves in the midst of a Sockpuppetgate this time?
ljc: proper snog (chloe/clark)taraljc on 5th December 2006 00:31 (UTC)
Kathryn A: inconceivablekerravonsen on 4th December 2006 22:51 (UTC)
Low self-esteem? You? Knock me down with a feather -- it doesn't show.
ljc: sane-flavouredtaraljc on 5th December 2006 00:36 (UTC)
It pretty much manifests in a continual driving need for constant validation from others in order to feel better about myself. So even if it's not apparent from the outside, it's a giant neon sign flashing over my head from my POV. Like I said, not exactly healthy. And I can see exactly what mistakes I made. I just can't quite fix them.
Lee Thompson: Shocked!leethomps on 4th December 2006 23:05 (UTC)
You've been wanking off sockpuppets? OMG
ljc: briscotaraljc on 5th December 2006 00:29 (UTC)
wank = brouhaha

sockpuppet = a false identy created to attack others or support yourself online

sockpuppet wank = wank that ensues when a sock is discovered to be a sock and not a real human being
Lee Thompsonleethomps on 5th December 2006 01:01 (UTC)
This is why I avoid fandom, I don't even understand the lingo lol
Lara: dragon magiclarakailyn on 4th December 2006 23:50 (UTC)
After meeting you in Chicago, I know I love you even without DW in the picture. It was fun just hanging out and talking. Fandom's a great way to meet people, but I've definitely come to care about having a lot of the people I've met in my life even when the fandom falls away.
ljc: crash differenttaraljc on 5th December 2006 00:28 (UTC)
yes, but see.... Big Fannish Love isn't so much about the IRL Friends, it's the brass ring of having total strangers love you. And chasing that brass ring is what can fuck you up bigly.
Kathryn A: essential-invisiblekerravonsen on 5th December 2006 00:57 (UTC)
That kind of adoration is so very, very fickle.
Lara: doctor wholarakailyn on 5th December 2006 01:10 (UTC)
That is very, very true. It will.

I think that's why I've always been content to try to stay in the corner and just enjoy what I enjoy. And why certain happenings have driven me batty.
Offical Exception to ALL the Rulestreetracer on 5th December 2006 02:22 (UTC)
That should be included in every fandom guide EVER.
deannie on 5th December 2006 02:36 (UTC)
Kudos for being you, m'dear!

And for having wonderful taste in television. *g*
Elke Tanzer: candycorn from ingrid_melke_tanzer on 5th December 2006 20:58 (UTC)
I adore you. Thank you for this. And yes, for this post, you get virtual candy corn.