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26 April 2005 @ 01:32
fic for nos.  
I did not write this for £5.

I loves nostalgia_lj in a totally platonic Nine & Rose type way.


nos' list:

1. underwire brassiere (in honour of Six and Peri)
2. "Ace"
3. OMG used as an actual word. ish.
4. Totally random "Big Bad Wolf" ref

Disclaimer: Doctor Who and all related elements, characters and indicia copyright BBC 2005. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations—save those created by the authors for use solely on this website—are copyright BBC.

Please do not archive or distribute without author's permission.

Support Undergarments to the Rescue

"So is this going to happen every time?"

Rose leaned against the dank wall, trying not to breathe through her nose. Oh sure, they always looked like they were bodged together by the BBC props department and would fall over if you breathed on them wrong. But solid stone walls and iron grates with big rusty padlocks that looked like they could keep out Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolf Man, and the Mummy did a right job of keeping one Rose Tyler—late of London, Earth, 2005, and one Doctor—late of abso-bloody-lutely nowhere in a Big Blue Box—solidly stuck. At least for 25 minutes, and no sign of a tea lady with bacon sandwiches to be found.

"Is what?" the Doctor asked, not even looking at her as he stared up at the tiny window two metres over his head which let in just enough moonlight to make the rats able to tell if it was your finger bone or your rib they were gnawing.

"We go someplace nice, and you offend the host, and we end up locked in a dungeon and they throw away the key?"

He scowled at her darkly. "How was I supposed to know the Sacred Handmaiden of Gaal was some crusty old bat who couldn't keep her hands to herself?"

"Shame on you, for leading an old granny on." Rose would have shaken a finger at him disapprovingly, but as her hands were currently handcuffed behind her—just as his were—she settled for trying to match his glare.

"I wasn't leading her on!"

"Just my luck, taking up with an intergalactic gigolo. If it's not grannies, it's trees. And don't tell me you weren't making eyes at that boy in the loincloth with the ostrich plumed fan."

"I was not making—you were too!"

Rose sighed. "Well, he did have a nice smile."

"And a good bum," the Doctor agreed, peering through the bars to see if a tea lady was approaching.

"You're so useless." Rose rolled her eyes, and slid down the dank wall to the mouldy pile of straw. "Can't you just reverse the wossname of the thingie? You know, with that battery operated spanner of yours?"

"That's polarity, neutron flow, sonic and screwdriver and no. I can't. They made me empty out my pockets."

"You don't have any bits and bobs squirreled away on you anyplace then?" He still had his leather jacket, though they'd taken their shoes, Rose's hair tie, bracelet and rings.

He followed her gaze and frowned. "These jeans are a bit too tight to fit a tool kit in, Ace."


"I meant Rose. Though times like these, I wish you had some nitro 9 in that rucksack of yours, instead of an endless supply of mascara."

He was pacing now, counting the steps between the cell bar and the far wall.

"What's nitro 9?"

"Something that could get us out of these." He turned halfway and wiggled his fingers at her, handcuffs clanking. "And this." He jerked his chin vaguely in the direction of the entire cell block.

Down the hall, someone moaned, and Rose could just make out the words "Feet first... isn't that right, Arthur? Feet first, it's the only way..."

"You know, the last time I was in handcuffs, it was for Mickey's birthday, and they weren't super-strong alien handcuffs, just a pair he got down at one of those shops where you can't see in the windows—"

"Why couldn't they have thrown us in separate cells?" The Doctor slid down the opposite wall, and stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing his ankles.

"Hang on a second..." Rose wriggled, grimacing as she heard a shoulder joint make a poping sound that she was going to regret later, and pulled her legs through the circle of her hand-cuffed arms.

The Doctor blinked. "You're very... limber."

She flashed him a grin, and held the cuffs up to the square of moonlight. "Right, so... have we got anything we can pick these locks with?"

The Doctor leaned forward and peered at them, looking as if he needed spectacles. "If I just had a bit of wire..."

"Any old bit of wire?"

"Well, something longish, and flat would—hang on..."

"What?" Rose asked, but he was only staring at her.

"What?" she repeated as a slow grin spread across his features.

"What are you... Oh." She glanced down at her frilly top.

Well, specifically the cleavage practically overflowing from the frilly top.

"Well, the answer was staring me in the face."

If she'd had her hands free, he might have discovered that he wasn't too old for a good slap.

"Well, then you're gonna have to manage the clasp," Rose muttered, "I not that limber."

His jaw dropped. "But we hardly know each other."

"What? I'm not asking you to impregnate me with your alien babies. Just get the clasp undone on me bra."

He turned so that they were back-to-back, and Rose bent low over her knees so he could get his hands up the back of her shirt.

If they got out of this alive, she might kill him.


"Oi! No wandering fingers, you!"

"I think I'm insulted."

"I'm the one what just got felt up, and you're the one feeling insulted?"

The bra clasp finally gave way, and Rose reached into one sleeve, tugging her strap down with a hooked thumb and pulling until the frilly lace strap broke with a snap. Shimmying in a way resembling a student as an All Girls Catholic School getting undressed beneath her tee-shirt for gym class, she finally tugged the remains of the bra through the opposite sleeve, and began picking at the stitching holding the underwire in place.

"That was my nicest one, too—we get out of this alive, and you are taking me shopping. And none of that crap Marks & Spencer's stuff either—"

The Doctor's eyes were fixed somewhere in the region of her front area.

She reached over to smack him upside the head, then winced as the handcuffs caught him on the ear.

"Ow!" He jerked his head to the side, out of reach should she decide to hit him again.

She poked him in the shoulder. "Turn around."

"Wha—you know how to pick handcuffs?"

"You weren't at Mickey's last birthday," she said, tongue poking out the corner of her mouth as she jammed the wire into the lock and began twisting.

The Doctor's handcuffs hit the floor with a clang. As he rubbed his wrists, Rose held her bound hands in front of her. When her own cuffs finally hit the floor (nowhere near as quick as her has, she noted with glee. He really was far too reliant on that sonic bob) she kicked them into the corner and grabbing the remains of her bra, to tackle the padlock.

It put up much less fuss than the handcuffs had, and the iron door's hinges screamed as she shoved it open with her hip.

"Right. So... where to, now, Nitro 9?"

"Grandmother's house," he said decisively, hands deep in his pockets. "Just to pick up my personal effects."

Rose grinned. "My, what big teeth you have."
Tags: ,
mood: accomplishedaccomplished
teh nos'nostalgia_lj on 26th April 2005 06:53 (UTC)
zomg teh alien bebizz!
ljc: doctor wanktaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:38 (UTC)
*snuggles alien babizz*
Bud-Clarebudclare on 26th April 2005 07:06 (UTC)
I love you, even especially when you try to make me scream with laughter and wake up my roommate.

*is still grinning*

(Typo: "Something that could get is out of these.")
ljctaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:39 (UTC)
thank you for typo... I look 25% less stupid now! hurrah!
Grey Bardgrey_bard on 26th April 2005 09:58 (UTC)
Much coolness. And, yes! It *does* happen every time!
ljc: pollyannataraljc on 29th April 2005 04:40 (UTC)
nos made me do it!

(okay, she went "write me fic hors!" and I went "okay." but. still.)
Cedara: Doctor_Who_(and_Rose)cedara on 26th April 2005 10:04 (UTC)
Oh my.
Lots of nice images.


Good work.
ljc: doctor who MIBtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:41 (UTC)
i like breaking out into silliness, now and then. glad you liked!
Alice the Camel: Herminone - readingalicamel on 26th April 2005 10:19 (UTC)
OMG. ::loves. like LOTS::

Fantastic. The characters were spot on, the situation felt like something that could actually have happened on the show (although I don't know if the beeb would stretch to the concersation about the last time Rose was in hancuffs?) Brilliant. Great imagery. And all the insane things that had to be included were done so seemlessly - if you hadn't have put the list at the begining I wouldn't even have realised there were things that were requested. If that makes sense?

So erm, YAY, would be the summary there. :D
ljc: doctor who MIBtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:41 (UTC)
sometimes, what the Beeb doesn't know can't hurt me :) hehehehehehehe.
bad_sheep: Nine and Rosebad_sheep on 26th April 2005 10:48 (UTC)
Fab! Love the idea of the underwiring....
ljctaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:42 (UTC)
blame Peri's cleavage. hehehehehe.
Mireille: Doctor Whomireille719 on 26th April 2005 11:08 (UTC)
"How was I supposed to know the Sacred Handmaiden of Gaal was some crusty old bat who couldn't keep her hands to herself?"

You just can't get proper Sacred Handmaidens these days. Not like you used to...

"I was not making—you were too!"

This would be the point at which I attempted to inhale bagel. (Helpful hint: Homo sapiens finds baked goods difficult to breathe.)

You worked in "reverse the wossname of the thingie"!

Also, I reached the unclasping of the bra and just started giggling madly.

This was utterly insane, yet still managed to sound just like them. You and nostalgia_lj should encourage one another more often. *g*
ljc: TARDIS callingtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:44 (UTC)
You worked in "reverse the wossname of the thingie"!

I had to. It was a biological imperative.

Also, I reached the unclasping of the bra and just started giggling madly.

picture me on my couch, laptop in lap, hands held together miming it to suss out how it might work/not work, and I bet you'll giggle even louder.
(no subject) - mireille719 on 29th April 2005 06:43 (UTC) (Expand)
Katkataclysmic on 26th April 2005 11:17 (UTC)
ljctaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:38 (UTC)
Snowballjanesnowballjane on 26th April 2005 12:01 (UTC)
Superb! Clever silly-fun. I'm really enjoying your fics.

:runs off to look at your Firefly stuff:
ljc: s/k handstaraljc on 26th April 2005 21:32 (UTC)
just to warn... some of the Forefly can get a little traumatic. Okay, really only "Lex Talionis." But thought I should warn anyway. Also, it's 'shippy as HELL.
freudian slip much? - taraljc on 27th April 2005 01:15 (UTC) (Expand)
tarkheena lizzeeen: dr. who - kawaiiiliminalliz on 26th April 2005 12:34 (UTC)
This was absolutely lovely! :) Mmmm!
ljc: doctor wanktaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:34 (UTC)
sometimes, you just have to embrace the silly. i like embracing the silly, now and then.
Just Jennelfgirljen on 26th April 2005 15:15 (UTC)
Rambling along.....
LOL! Sprayed tea all over the screen.
I'll put you onmy freind list. I just love your writing!
ljc: TARDIS callingtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:35 (UTC)
Re: Rambling along.....
oh noes! do not waste the tea!

thanks--having far too much fun, writing in this fandom at the moment,
equusentricequusentric on 26th April 2005 19:06 (UTC)
omg he tuched her booobiz!111!1 evry1 noz teh doc dont do teh s3xx0rz!!1


ljc: fear me. love me.taraljc on 29th April 2005 04:36 (UTC)
blame the handcuffs.

i know i do.
Nicparanoidangel42 on 26th April 2005 21:31 (UTC)
I came back to look at your essay, never meant to read any Doctor Who fanfic at all, but I like yours. You've got the right amount of UST without there actually being anything there, just like in the episodes.
ljc: preach ittaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:37 (UTC)
i'm enjoying taking my cues from the eps--tho as the show goes on, i might get more UST-y as a result...
Zozo: baby simoncleversimon on 27th April 2005 03:10 (UTC)
My computer chair is just tall enough for me to kick my legs in delight like a little boy at this story, and so I will proceed to, because OMG GLEEEEEEEE.
ljc: doctor who MIBtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:37 (UTC)
gigletgiglet on 28th April 2005 16:59 (UTC)
Oh fun!

And I appreciated the RoS reference.
ljc: doctor who MIBtaraljc on 29th April 2005 04:33 (UTC)
EVERY dungeon should have Stuart Linden. Always. Forever.

(I actually put it in there solely to amuse hawkmoth and i wins at life and the internets cos i gots you too! squee!)
(no subject) - giglet on 29th April 2005 18:22 (UTC) (Expand)