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06 November 2004 @ 10:13
 
For profshallowness, for reminding me how much I really miss these people.


Disclaimer: jake 2.0 and all related elements, characters and indicia © Roundtable Entertainment and Viacom Productions, Inc., 2003. All Rights Reserved. All characters and situations-save those created by the authors for use solely on this website-are copyright Roundtable Entertainment and Viacom Productions, Inc.

Author's Note: So, after writing "Sense Memory", which got inside Jake's head regarding the events of "Get Foley", I thought it was high time I did the same for Diane. Although companion pieces, you don't have to have read one to understand the other.

"Tactile"
by LJC

Sometimes, Diane has to stop herself from touching him.

They'd be fooling around in the lab while running tests--just joking--and he'd smile, and she'd want to run her fingertips over the curve of his mouth. Her hand would twitch, and she'd find something to fiddle with instead, like her badge, or her glasses. And then he'd go to SatOps, and she wouldn't see him until lunch, or even the next day. Days might go by, if he was assigned to a mission. Days where she would haunt SatOps, ignoring Lou's glare and Kyle's sympathetic looks, her eyes on the big board, occasionally peppering Susan with questions or just listening, frozen, as Lou issues the orders that might mean the next time she sees it, it will be to perform an autopsy.

And when he finally walks through her door, instead of resting her cheek against his chest and wrapping her arms around him like she never wants to let go, she'd tap her foot against the wheel of her chair and push her glasses further up on her nose with a knuckle as he leaned against the counter, and pretend that she wasn't terrified every time he went out into the field.

She'd make small talk in between being all-business as they conducted test after test, and pretend that she didn't want to reach up and trace the curve where his jaw met his ear more than anything. That she wasn't aching to reach out and brush his jaw with the pads of her fingers, and feel the hint of stubble. She had to work to banish the memory of the roughness of his cheek as his lips had brushed her neck. She had to smile and wave at him through the glass partition that separated the research lab from the med lab and not remember her back hitting the wall as he'd fumbled for his keys with one hand, and clutched at her hip with the other, his mouth never leaving hers.

They don't talk about it. Not after that brief aborted attempt, when she had chickened out and run away from his attempts to actually dissect the elephant in the room. They don't talk about the tense ride back to Maryland, how his hand had stayed tucked her hers, his back ramrod straight as he desperately tried to believe that Lou and Kyle were trusted friends and not jailers. They don't talk about how much she'd wanted to kiss him one last time, before she finally depressed the plunger on the hypodermic needle that brought her back to him and stole him away all in one action.

They chat about how her Italian lessons were progressing, or the new Korean restaurant that had opened up down the street from the grocery store where she shopped, and they talk about anything and everything except how he thinks she's beautiful.

They call each other. He has her on speed-dial, and sometimes he'll call when he's stuck in traffic, or sitting at home alone. She'll reach for the phone a dozen times for every time she actually dials his number and stays on the line to hear him pick up. She'll lie in bed at night, wondering if he's awake, wondering if he thinks about her at all as he drifts off to sleep at night, the way she does at least four nights a week.

She wonders if he dreams. She wonders if he closes his eyes and imagines that they hadn't stopped, in that cheap boarding house room with the chenille bedspread and mousetraps in the corners. Pretends that she hadn't frozen, as his hand had gone from cupping her waist to slipping between her thighs. Pretends she hadn't stopped him from pushing the denim skirt up over her hips and stroking her through her panties until her breath comes in gasps and she sucks hard on his bottom lip to keep from screaming. Pretends she hasn't rewritten those memories a hundred times every night, editing them until she's lying drenched in sweat, the sheets twisted around her and heart hammering inside her chest.

She wonders if she'll ever be able to watch his hands dance across a keyboard and not remember how it felt to have those fingers tangled in her hair. She wonders if her hands will ever stop twitching every time he brushes past her, and if she'll be able to resist the desire to pluck at his sleeve and drag his mouth to hers and never come up for air.

She laughs at his lame jokes as she puts him through his paces each morning, and at least twice a week he walks her to her car, and she doesn't touch him.

She doesn't give his shoulder a sympathetic squeeze, when he's obviously down and feeling sorry for himself. She doesn't grab his elbow and steer him away from the curly fries in the caf, in a vain attempt to get him to migrate over to the salad bar. She doesn't poke him in the chest to punctuate her statements, and she doesn't reach out to untangle his lanyard when his ID is twisted and facing backwards, and she doesn't curl her pinkie finger around his when their hands are side by side on the tabletop.

She doesn't cup his cheek in her hand, brushing the pad of her thumb across his cheekbone, fingers brushing the curve of his ear.

She doesn't brush her fingers against his when he hands her an espresso from the machine in the corner of the lab, to feel the shock run through her all the way to her toes at the simple human contact.

She doesn't rub his shoulders when they've had a long night in the lab.

She doesn't touch him, and wakes from dreams filled with the memory of his body pinning her to the musty mattress with his weight.

She doesn't touch him, and it gets a little harder every day.
 
 
mood: lovedloved
 
 
 
Angela: rock ontehshiny on 6th November 2004 18:53 (UTC)
Whoa. That was...whoa.

Seriously, I am a a loss for words. So I shall resort to the annoying Mya song: "this was like...whoa!"
ljc: not the sametaraljc on 6th November 2004 22:20 (UTC)
I held off on posting it, because I kept thinking that "Sense Memory" was a better way to examining the same thing, but then I realised I freaking miss Diane so much, so...
Angelatehshiny on 6th November 2004 22:28 (UTC)
Does this mean more Jake/Diane fics? *hopeful look*
ljc: hug jake now!taraljc on 6th November 2004 22:33 (UTC)
Well, I've two big stories I'm working on. The suburbia one will probably happen first, as it's the furthest along and the second one needs major major work, which I haven't really been up to lately.
katie: miles - memoore_oaks on 6th November 2004 21:45 (UTC)
that was SUCH a good story. awesome job!
ljc: shhh...taraljc on 6th November 2004 22:19 (UTC)
eeep! miles! I just updated geek ♥ with new MI pics. I so need to be sneaky, and do a crossover between Miles McCabe from MI and Frankie from The Days.
katie: miles - memoore_oaks on 7th November 2004 01:41 (UTC)
definitely going there to check them out then. MI is my salvation since Jake got canceled. can you let me know the next time you post a fic? I just caught this one through random Internet surfing. thanks.
ljc: hug jake now!taraljc on 7th November 2004 02:15 (UTC)
This is the first story I've posted since "Cause and Effect" and "The Talk" back in August. I usually archive both on my site, and JMD and FFN, which does have an option to be notified when an author posts a new story 9tho I post in several fandoms, so it wouldn't just be j20). I'm afraid I don't really have an update list. But I usually post stories unlocked on my LJ as well. Which remidns me, I need to post this story to the j20 fanfic community *lol*
tatty bojangles: courtesy of taraljc (jake's ass)apocalypsos on 7th November 2004 00:21 (UTC)
Oh. WOW.
ljc: not the sametaraljc on 7th November 2004 02:17 (UTC)
thanks! glad you like...
polysyllabic adultresskonstantine03 on 7th November 2004 13:53 (UTC)
Wow. That was just...awesome. *grin*
Have always loved your Diane characterisations. And I love how you tackle to new relaity post-Get Foley. Made me remember why I loved the show. Thanks.
ljc: get foleytaraljc on 10th November 2004 05:34 (UTC)
you're welcome! so glad you enjoyed it.
profshallownessprofshallowness on 7th November 2004 14:29 (UTC)
Squee! And this does work as a lovely companion piece to Sense Memory - the fact that both are remembering the physical intimacy but unable to broach it to each other rendered more powerful by the fact that we get to see it. (Loved the escalation of animals in when she had chickened out and run away from his attempts to actually dissect the elephant in the room. )

The contrast between the touching they did have as friends and the flashbacks, and the current distance is so powerful, encapsulated in the hypodermic needle that brought her back to him and stole him away all in one action.
. I have to admit, though, that some of the tense shifts didn't work for me and confused me a bit at the beginning.

Loved the idea of Diane's nervous habits becoming exaggerated by her need to stop herself from touching him. Great use of repetition in the wording, building up to all those negatives, and as ever the details, of their NSA routine and of her memories, particularly because of the focus on the sensuality.

She doesn't touch him, and it gets a little harder every day. The situation is going to have to break soon, isn't it, you can tell from the extremity of her desire to touch him. And of course, because it is all being held in, she's editing those memories she's reliving, liked what that said about her state. Made me really feel for Diane - good work.
ljc: get foleytaraljc on 10th November 2004 05:33 (UTC)
ack. I thought I'd ironed out the tenses. But other than my editorial gaffes, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I lvoe Diane--and I so miss writing her.
(Deleted comment)
ljc: not the sametaraljc on 10th November 2004 05:33 (UTC)
thanks! glad you liked it!